Dearly Departed: Henry the VIII

Obituary: King Henry VIII (1491-1547)

It is with a mixture of bewilderment and disbelief that we announce the passing of King Henry VIII, the man who truly defined "complicated relationships." At the age of 55, the self-proclaimed Defender of the Faith (until he decided to invent his own church) has left us for a kingdom beyond the mortal coil—where, we assume, he’s already trying to start a few new marriages.

Henry, known for his towering height, larger-than-life personality, and waistline that rivaled his ego, was the second monarch of the Tudor dynasty. His reign, which spanned over 38 years, was marked by grand ambition, frequent beheadings, and an obsessive pursuit of a male heir (which, spoiler alert, didn’t exactly pan out the way he had hoped).

Henry is survived by his two surviving children—Queen Elizabeth I, who managed to become quite a successful monarch without her father’s… unique leadership style, and King Edward VI, who had a remarkably short reign and reportedly spent most of it avoiding his father’s list of ‘helpful’ advice.

Notable in his long list of hobbies were: breaking up with wives (he had six in total), hunting (with a preference for both people and animals), and spending excessively on extravagant feasts. We can’t help but note that Henry truly understood the importance of indulgence—just in every sense of the word.

Though some of his more radical ideas (like separating England from the Catholic Church, starting his own church, and claiming to be the Supreme Head of all Churches in England) were controversial, they certainly made history. Whether for better or worse, Henry leaves behind a legacy that may never be fully understood—or forgiven.

In his final days, Henry reportedly spent his time reflecting on his life, lamenting his lack of a male heir, and wondering if perhaps, just maybe, he had been a little hasty with that whole “beheading” thing. His funeral will be attended by a small but loyal crowd, but don’t worry—there will be no shortage of food.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the "Keep the Wives and Executioners Busy" Fund. Rest in peace, Henry. We’ll try to forget your diet choices… but we can’t promise we won’t talk about it at every dinner table for the next 500 years.

Henry and the girls